Monday, March 17, 2008

Michael Bolton vs. Fingernails on a Chalkboard

As usual, I was being a huge nerd the other day and alphabetizing my CD collection (at least I wasn't putting them in chronological order like John Cusack in High Fidelity.) For the most part, I was pleased that I had a number of solid and timeless purchases, including: The Beatles' Help!, Arcade Fire's Funeral, and Sam Cooke's The Hits.

I also came across a few purchases that beg the question, "What the hell was I thinking?" such as: Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls Soundtrack, Jay-Z's The Black Album: Acappella, and Pissed Jean's Hope For Men. However, it wasn't until I found Michael Bolton's The Hunger in my CD stacks that I became embarrassed.

Michael Bolton

"How am I Supposed to Live Without You" seen above, is Bolton's most successful song. It held the #1 spot on the Billboard Hot 100 charts for three straight weeks. Which sounds impressive until you learn that Los Del Rio's "Macarena" held the #1 spot for 14 weeks.

Fingernails on a Chalkboard

Taken from Nightmare on Elm Street, this clip is without a doubt the most dramatic take on the old cliche.

Now the question you have to ask yourself is...if you had to listen to one of these more than once, which would it be?

Final Verdict: Michael Bolton wins (6 vs. 1)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Enough Talk...How You Walk?

Everyone has their own way of walking. Some of us stand tall and take big strides, some of us are hunchbacked and drag our feet. I am still looking for my signature stroll. Much like Joey from Friends, I am going through a walking identity crisis. Help me decide which of these walks below I should add to my repertoire.

Walk Like and Egyptian

This walk was popular when the pyramids were made (according to all those drawings anyways) and made a huge comeback in the '80s thanks to The Bangles. This proves that being cool is sooo cyclical. Since I've never been cool...I'm pretty sure my time is coming up!

Walk The Dinosaur

I didn't know Robin Williams was in a band (you'll see him :20 seconds in). This walk is clearly pre-historic. If you think I should go old-school, than this is definitely the walk you should choose for me.

Walk Like Cleto

(The song starts around 1:10) This walk is the new rage. I hear all the kids are doing it. And yes...this is REAL. I've watched it twice from start to finish and I still can't believe it. Highlights are too numerous to count, but I especially cherish the line, "You're going to bounce that booty like a basketball."

Final Verdict: Walk Like an Egyptian (3 vs. 1 vs. 0)

Monday, March 10, 2008

Man's Worst Friend

Last Friday I attended the rehearsal show for A Prairie Home Companion at the lovely Fitzgerald theater. That brings my attendance of live-recordings for the show to two, which subsequently means I have listened to the show in its entirety twice now. I know some would label a native Minnesotan that does not like Garrison Keillor's APHC a retard; but as The Office's Michael Scott points out, "You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they are acting retarded." So back off people...I'm the real deal!

This most recent show was the annual "Joke Show." I'm pretty sure I heard every pun under the sun (damn...I have a way with words, huh?). One joke shared that night went as such:

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour and drive around.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Well that might work with most dogs, but the dogs listed below are not "man's best friend." In fact, they are quite the opposite! It's time to decide which dog is "man's worst friend."

Unknown Dog from Duck Hunt
Unless you were the loser kid that sat three inches away from the TV and actually touched the barrel of the gun to the screen, you are undoubtedly familiar with the nameless mutt that laughs at you when you fail in Nintendo's Duck Hunt. Initially, we all laughed with him. Afterall, it is only a game. However, after having several laughs at our expense, our attitudes towards this dog changed dramatically, didn't they? When it became obvious we were going to fail, who else here started saving bullets just in the off-chance they could tag him mid-giggle!?

Spuds McKenzie
Made famous in the '80s by Bud Light, Spuds McKenzie is a bull terrier. Spuds makes this list because I'm pretty sure lessening a man's chances of dating a woman is NOT friendly behavior. And "the guru of good times" always got the ladies he wanted. Check out this ad for proof.

This dog certainly had its day, but men need not fear losing their girls any longer, for Spuds passed away at the tender age of 10 from kidney failure. And as it turns out, "he" was a "she" all along. Before it became known, Budweiser employees privy to this sensitive information did their best to conceal Spuds from cameras, so as to hide her female "parts" while she urinated. You can't make this shit up!

Red Dog

If you are having a tough time powering through a hang-over people like to say, "you just need a bit of hair from the dog that bit you." However, if that dog is Red me...don't heed this advice! Brewed by Miller Brewing Company, Red Dog beer is widely considered one of the worst tasting beers. Need more proof...I once attended a heaven and hell party where heaven had a full bar with mixing ingredients, and us hellians, were stuck with Red room temperature.


We all look for different qualities in our friends. Some of us want funny friends, nice friends, cool friends, or if you're looking for the whole package...ME! But unless you're Tony Soprano, you definitely don't look for best friends that are killers. From the insane mind of Stephen King, Cujo first terrorized movie-goers in 1983.

Final Verdict: Duck Hunt Dog (4 vs. 0 vs. 3 vs. 1)

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Battle of the Booty Jams

Most of these tunes will be familiar to you already, so watching the music video isn't necessary. But damn if it isn't funny! In some cases, I elected to embed the "clean" version of the song...which is to say, it's as "clean" as my thoughts are when someone mentions Rachel Bilson (off the record...yes, I have seen full episodes of The O.C. ...and enjoyed them). What I'm really trying to say is...this might serve as my first NSFW post depending on your employer. I guess I shouldn't necessarily be excited about this fact...but I am.

"Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot

I like...this song and I cannot lie. I'm willing to bet that at least half of you reading this know ALL the lyrics to this song. Hopefully I am not the first person to tell you this...but that is really lame.

"BOOTAY" by Spank Rock & Benny Blanco

I warned you. This is the most recently released booty jam. According to Rolling Stone magazine, the female rapper featured in this video, Santogold, is going to to be the next big thing. Your welcome for keeping you cool. Just make sure you say you heard it here first.

"Bootylicious" by Destiny's Child

I don't think I can handle this. And I KNOW I'm not ready for that "jelly." However, Stevie Nix does make a 3-second cameo right at the beginning, which is pretty cool.

"My Humps" by The Black Eyed Peas

Whenever I hear this song I can't help but think of the hunchback of Notre Dame...and apparently I'm not the only one (this is really really lame).

Final Verdict: Baby Got Back (6 vs. 2 vs. 0 vs. 0)