Big Ern vs. The Jesus

First of all, not too long ago I watched The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. It. Was. Awesome. It's a documentary about the world of competitive video games, specifically Donkey Kong. The sheer nerdery on display is off the charts. We're talking Steve Urkel levels. I'm a fairly nerdy guy (this post and blog serve as evidence), but this movie makes me look like freakin' Fonzi. If you need a bit of a self-esteem boost, I would highly recommend watching this movie.

Without further ado...let me present our next case. This is definitely a heavyweight match up (I'm talking about The Stones vs. The Beatles, Ali vs. Foreman, Godfather vs. Godfather II, etc.). These are without a doubt two of my favorite movie characters of all time. Ironically, I would rate the respective movies they appear in as only average. Wait...did I just make an ironic statement, or was I "Alanis Morrisette ironic" (aka not ironic at all)?

Big Ern McCrackin:


Bill Murray is a comedy god. Whether it is the desperation, the insane comb-over, or the over-the-top dance moves, Big Ern is the perfect example of the guy you love to hate. He also bowls a whale of a game (lame adjective choice...I know).

The Jesus:


Nobody fucks with The Jesus! Foul-mouthed, hair-netted, and pony-tailed, The Jesus is a formidable foe...and rumor has it he's never thrown a gutter ball.

I know...I'm so torn too. But it's time to crown somebody the most bad-ass bowler!

Final Verdict: Big Ern (5 vs. 4)

Chighur Cut vs. Flock of Seagulls vs. The Mullet

Whether you believe the 80th annual Oscar recipients won due to performances head-and-shoulders above their peers, or because this year's nominees were weak, it's safe to say that the awards show lacked surprises. To epitomize this fact, Javier Bardem anti-climatically accepted the Best Supporting Actor award for his chilling portrayal of Anton Chighur in the Coen brothers' adaptation of No Country for Old Men (which also deservedly won the Best Picture award.)

Although Bardem deserves a vast majority of the credit for inducing fear via his performance, a percentage of the "creep" factor is due to his now iconic haircut. A cross between Prince Valiant and Jack White, the Chighur Cut is as flattering as the fanny-pack...which is to say...it doesn't look good on anyone! This got me thinking...what other male hair styles are impossible to overcome. That is of course...if you want to date.

A Flock of Seagulls became notable in 1980 thanks to the hit song "I Ran (So Far Away)." However, despite their overall above-average musical output, their legacy is band-member Mike Score's hair-don't (seen right). Most famously referenced in Pulp Fiction, the cut has become a pop-culture staple and hopefully will never grace another head.


The mullet, also known as the ape-drape, BIFPIB (business in front, party in back), the kentucky waterfall, or the skullet, is the reigning heavyweight champion of lame haircuts. It's so popular that an entire hollywood movie was made in its honor (Joe Dirt) and a website is devoted to its uniqueness. And in my opinion, no one wore it better than A.C. Slater (seen right) from Saved by the Bell.

Final Verdict: Flock of Seagulls (6-FOS vs. 3-Mullet vs. 1-Chighur Cut)

Franzia vs. Carlo Rossi vs. Boone's Farm

There are really only two kinds of wine drinkers. There are those that simply drink wine and then those that obnoxiously smell, swirl, sip, and pontificate about wine. The video embedded below, a scene from Sideways, an often-times funny movie about two men's journey to wine country in Napa Valley, provides an amazingly accurate example of what I'm talking about, and should help you figure out which kind of wine drinker you are.



If you aligned more with the dude on the left (Thomas Hayden Church), you probably already know and love Franzia, Carlo Rossi, and Boone's Farm wine and this discussion will probably take you back to the days when "blue tooth" was what you got the morning after a bout with the vino. If you saw yourself in the dude on the right (Paul Giamatti), you most assuredly never allowed yourself to drink such "classless" wine, or at the very least, would never admit it in public. For those that have already had the pleasure of getting to know these fine spirits, I apologize, for I will be highlighting facts you are already aware of. But for those snobs out there, read and learn about what makes each of these fine wines so great.

Franzia: IT COMES IN A BOX! Which as far as I know, doesn't give it any other legitimate advantage other than...IT COMES IN A BOX! According to their website, "Water flows over the American Falls at Niagara Falls at a rate of 75,000 gallons per second. At that rate, it would take over 13 minutes for all the Franzia wine sold in one year to flow into the Niagara River!" I know...amazing, right? The flow-rate of the Franzia box is also quite impressive thanks to its built-in spigot...which someone smarter than me has already proven has its uses.


Carlo Rossi: There are 13 types of wine that Carlo puts into jugs for our enjoyment, which makes it easy to find one with flavors to complement whatever it is you might be eating...here's an example. And after you savor the last drop of your jug-wine, you can still put it to good use...by making something out of it. Check out these hot designs: Chardonnay Chandelier, Cabernet Couch, Sangria Sound System, and the Paisano Plasma TV Stand. See snobs...Carlo is all class!


Boone's Farm: Unlike most wine-makers, Boone's Farm doesn't have your standard flavors (i.e. Chardonnay, Cabernet, Merlot, etc.). It has better ones, like: Apple Blossom, Mountain Berry, Orange Hurricane and of course Strawberry Hill. But the best part about Boone's Farm wine is that you will never dirty a wine glass because it is meant to be enjoyed directly from the bottle.


Final Verdict: Franzia (6-Franzia vs. 5-Carlo Rossi vs. 0-Boone's Farm)

Richard Simmons vs. Billy Blanks

During the past 20 years there has been a well documented and dramatic increase in obesity in the United States. This slide set effectively illustrates this trend by mapping the increased prevalence of obesity across each of the states. Way to go Mississippi and West Virginia!

Now stop and imagine what this slide show would look like if fitness gurus Richard Simmons and Billy Blanks hadn't blessed our nation with their classic workout routines during this span. Minus liposuction and Jared of Subway fame, no other person, or thing, has helped more Americans lose weight and regain their figure than Simmons's Sweatin' to the Oldies series and Blanks's Tae Bo craze, although Tony Little (nice ponytail...jerk) and his Gazelle machines, which are currently selling like Tickle-Me Elmo dolls during Christmas, is catching them quickly.

If you've been living under a rock, or you're just genetically incapable of gaining weight (we all hate you) and you've never seen these masters of muscle entropy, or if you just want to get your heart pumping, I have embedded a small sample of each guru's work.

Note: If you've never seen footage of Richard Simmons on the Late Show with David Letterman it's a must see. Also, the Simmons video below has been updated with a new tune...proving once again the timelessness of his work. One other thing to look for: Billy Blanks has the biggest man boobs...I mean pectoral muscles...I have ever seen. Very impressive...and speaking of impressive...how does he manage to avoid a nip slip during that workout? Enjoy!





Final Verdict: Richard Simmons (9 vs. 2)

Bit-O-Honey vs. Tootsie Roll

We've all been there. You wake up 15 minutes late. You rush in and out of the shower, brush your teeth, and throw on clothes you hope match once you get into the light. You weave in and out of bumper-to-bumper traffic, saving 30-seconds of commute time, and earning yourself three well-deserved middle fingers. Kudos, you've made it to work on time!

There's only one problem. You missed breakfast and you have a meeting in 15 minutes. Sneaking into the company kitchen, you hope to find leftover donuts or bagels, but no dice. Your only hope of staving off hunger pangs and embarrassing stomach gurgles now is...yeah, that's right...the company candy bowl.

While power walking to the candy bowl, you suddenly salivate, dreaming of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, bite-sized Snickers, and mini-bags of Skittles. Unsurprisingly, those are no where to be found once you reach the bowl. After a minute of sifting and intense prayer, your hopes are dashed and you are left with two options...Bit-O-Honey vs. Tootsie Rolls. Which do you choose to stuff your face with?

Final Verdict: Tootsie Rolls (4 vs. 3)

The Moonwalk vs. The Truffle Shuffle

Although fully capable of executing a variety of deft dance moves myself (the microwave, the straight-line sobriety test, the shopping cart, the sprinkler, the straight jacket, etc.), I lack the size and skill to pull off the majestic moves executed in the videos embedded below. Therefore, in my mind, that makes this case a very interesting one.





Both of these legendary moves became famous in the mid-'80s and were responsible for opening doors to their dancers' respective futures. In the case of Michael Jackson, the "Moonwalk" opened the doorway to major stardom. For Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen, the "Truffle Shuffle" was his ticket to opening a slightly more modest door...the one leading to his friend Mikey's house.

So let's breakdown the moves. The purpose of MJ's "Moonwalk" is to give the illusion that he is walking forward while in reality he is actually moving backwards. He accomplishes this feat through an impressive combination of both physical coordination and silky-smooth timing.

In contrast, the goal of the "Truffle Shuffle" is to maximize one's "jiggle." Due to Chunk's abundance of "junk in the trunk," he is wildly successful in achieving a Jell-O like state.

And there you have it. Though their momentous moves differ radically from one another, it is this courtroom's task to determine which dancer's fancy footwork is most beloved. Let the debate begin.

Final Verdict: The Moonwalk (9 vs. 4)

Opening Statements

Welcome fellow jury members. This is the inaugural trial in the lowest of the lower courts. Technically, this trial system is in fact even lower than those held by those grotty, gavel jockeys Judge Judy and Judge Mathis. However, unlike those amateur affairs, there will be no asinine arguing over a few hundred dollars that your former live-in boyfriend/girlfriend owes you because you were stupid enough to lend them the money for Glamour Shots photos that they swore were going to, "like, totally launch my modeling career."

No, this courtroom is reserved for cases of greater importance, cases that are both controversial and eye-opening. Cast your vote via the web-poll located in the sidebar and then make sure to voice your arguments in the comments section. You never know...you might even be able to sway someone else's opinion on the matter.

So without further ado, here's our first case:

Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tarts vs. Brown Sugar & Cinnamon Pop-Tarts


These are the two most popular and iconic Pop-Tart flavors Kellogg's produces. If you need case history check out Wikipedia's page on Pop-Tarts, or do some of your own research. But remember to be safe. According to wikipedia...

In 1994, Texas A&M University professor Patrick Michaud performed an experiment proving that, when left in the toaster too long, strawberry Pop-Tarts could produce flames over a foot high.^[9] The discovery triggered a flurry of lawsuits. Since then, Pop-Tarts carry the warning: "Do not leave toasting appliances unattended due to possible risk of fire."

Now that I've given you fair warning, let's make sure we keep all the "burns" in the comment section. Finally, if there are any cases you think should be brought to justice via this courtroom feel free to email me your ideas.

Final Verdict: Frosted Strawberry (10 vs. 3)