Monday, July 7, 2008

Next Door Neighbors

I am really excited to be able to sit and write a whole lot of nothing right now. I've recently gone through a change of address...and no...I am not in my Mom's basement...yet.

James and I moved into our new apartment in NE Minneapolis last week. I'm fairly certain we've upgraded by transferring tenements. Seeing as though whenever it stormed in the old place, worms would wriggle through my bedroom wall, die, then dry up on the carpet. That's a true story...and it's every bit as disgusting as it sounds.

We have two floors at our new place. How cool is that? Although, I do feel compelled to convince the landlord that we now need an escalator, elevator, fireman's pole, or one of those stair chair lifts (pictured right) installed, because taking the stairs is too much work.

I have yet to really get to know anything about my neighbors, other than their names, which I've already forgot. So, I saw it fit to ponder, what kind of neighbors do I really want to live next to? Then I remembered, thinking is a lot of work. I'll let you do the mental gymnastics for me.

Ned Flanders
If you want the never-do-wrong, steady-as-he-goes type of neighbor, this should be your pick. Ned keeps his lawn and house clean and presentable, his kids have uncommonly great manners, he let's you borrow his power tools without question and will never raise a fuss if you return them a month late...or at all.

And there is zero chance he's going to throw a raging keg-fest that will keep you tossing and turning all night. Yes, Ned is the perfectly quiet and clean neighbor you can always take advantage of.

Mr. Rogers

Another goody-goody-two-shoes type. Fred Rogers' sweater collection is fully furnished by his mom's knitting needles...every single one! Guess what you're getting for Christmas?

Unlike Ned, Fred has all sorts of day time "parties." And he hangs out with known gang members...the Sesame Street Gang. If his friend choices are any indication, Mr. Rogers is clearly a little immature...and not in the fun, "let's try and live off nothing but booze for the next three days" kinda way. Kind of a let down.

Cosmo Kramer

The polar opposite of the two previous options, Kramer is obnoxious and unpredictable. He barges into your place unexpectedly, eats your food without permission, and steals your stuff.

He does however provide endless entertainment with his hair-brained schemes and actions. His idea to market the "bro" (the male bra), the fact that he turns his apartment into the set of Merv Griffin's show, plus his overall homely sense of style mean you will never be in short supply of a good story to tell.

Steve Urkel
Catchphrases are lame (just ask Ricky Gervais in Extras..."are you having a he having a laugh?"). Urkel has too many to count such as, "Did I do that?" and "No sweat, my pet."

So he will be insanely annoying to be around and associated with, but you will never have to worry about being that guy. He already is. In other words, keeping up with the Jones'' will not be tough and you will never be the biggest loser on the block.

Kimmy Gibler
Admittedly, Kimmy is a stupid girl. She most likely will make you stupider (see...that's not even a word). She redeems herself by allowing you to do the stupid things you subconsciously want to, but feel silly for doing. And if anyone ever catches you doing this stupid shit you can just blame good ol' Kimmy.

Did you know: Uncle Joey (aka Dave Coulier...who is not cool) is widely suspected to be the subject of Alanis Morissette's bitter tell-off You Oughta Know. You know...the song where she sings this beautiful couplet, "Is she perverted like me/would she go down on you in a theater?" To quote Coulier himself, "Cut-it-out!" (with hand-motions).