Monday, July 7, 2008

Next Door Neighbors

I am really excited to be able to sit and write a whole lot of nothing right now. I've recently gone through a change of address...and no...I am not in my Mom's basement...yet.

James and I moved into our new apartment in NE Minneapolis last week. I'm fairly certain we've upgraded by transferring tenements. Seeing as though whenever it stormed in the old place, worms would wriggle through my bedroom wall, die, then dry up on the carpet. That's a true story...and it's every bit as disgusting as it sounds.

We have two floors at our new place. How cool is that? Although, I do feel compelled to convince the landlord that we now need an escalator, elevator, fireman's pole, or one of those stair chair lifts (pictured right) installed, because taking the stairs is too much work.

I have yet to really get to know anything about my neighbors, other than their names, which I've already forgot. So, I saw it fit to ponder, what kind of neighbors do I really want to live next to? Then I remembered, thinking is a lot of work. I'll let you do the mental gymnastics for me.

Ned Flanders
If you want the never-do-wrong, steady-as-he-goes type of neighbor, this should be your pick. Ned keeps his lawn and house clean and presentable, his kids have uncommonly great manners, he let's you borrow his power tools without question and will never raise a fuss if you return them a month late...or at all.

And there is zero chance he's going to throw a raging keg-fest that will keep you tossing and turning all night. Yes, Ned is the perfectly quiet and clean neighbor you can always take advantage of.

Mr. Rogers

Another goody-goody-two-shoes type. Fred Rogers' sweater collection is fully furnished by his mom's knitting needles...every single one! Guess what you're getting for Christmas?

Unlike Ned, Fred has all sorts of day time "parties." And he hangs out with known gang members...the Sesame Street Gang. If his friend choices are any indication, Mr. Rogers is clearly a little immature...and not in the fun, "let's try and live off nothing but booze for the next three days" kinda way. Kind of a let down.

Cosmo Kramer

The polar opposite of the two previous options, Kramer is obnoxious and unpredictable. He barges into your place unexpectedly, eats your food without permission, and steals your stuff.

He does however provide endless entertainment with his hair-brained schemes and actions. His idea to market the "bro" (the male bra), the fact that he turns his apartment into the set of Merv Griffin's show, plus his overall homely sense of style mean you will never be in short supply of a good story to tell.

Steve Urkel
Catchphrases are lame (just ask Ricky Gervais in Extras..."are you having a he having a laugh?"). Urkel has too many to count such as, "Did I do that?" and "No sweat, my pet."

So he will be insanely annoying to be around and associated with, but you will never have to worry about being that guy. He already is. In other words, keeping up with the Jones'' will not be tough and you will never be the biggest loser on the block.

Kimmy Gibler
Admittedly, Kimmy is a stupid girl. She most likely will make you stupider (see...that's not even a word). She redeems herself by allowing you to do the stupid things you subconsciously want to, but feel silly for doing. And if anyone ever catches you doing this stupid shit you can just blame good ol' Kimmy.

Did you know: Uncle Joey (aka Dave Coulier...who is not cool) is widely suspected to be the subject of Alanis Morissette's bitter tell-off You Oughta Know. You know...the song where she sings this beautiful couplet, "Is she perverted like me/would she go down on you in a theater?" To quote Coulier himself, "Cut-it-out!" (with hand-motions).

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Accessorize Me

While the rest of you were busy maturing and becoming adults, I managed to stay true to my roots. I haven't progressed even a little bit in the last 15 years. I will unabashedly admit that I still think it's hysterical when someone publicly flatulates, takes one in the shorts, or eats it while roller blading. Therefore, if I'm having trouble recalling why I put so much value and emotion into action figures as a kid, I can't imagine the mental anguish you're going to put yourself through to try and figure it out!

My primary toy obsessions growing up revolved around He-Man, (which is by far-and-away the best name ever in the history of names, because the symbolism makes, if I can use his own terminology, Arnold Schwarzenegger look like a "girly man") and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. By the way, if you liked Michelangelo the and I can not be friends. Everyone who's everyone knows that Raphael was the most tubular turtle.

All this got me thinking...I deserve my own action figure. Undoubtedly, you could just use the same body mold used with He-Man (pictured above). The similarities are unnerving. Of course, we'd have to put my dashing mug on top. And since I'm a little more modest...some clothes. This is where I need your help. Every action figure has an accessory...what should mine be?

PBR Tall Boys
PBR me ASAP. Just writing that phrase makes my mouth water. You say they haven't won a brewing medal since 1893? First of all, it's only been 105 years since then. Secondly, that's only because some people like their beer to have flavor! For the rest of us...this is the beer to drink.

A Chuck Klosterman Book
If you haven't already read Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, drop everything right now and go to the nearest library. Chuck expounds upon everything from MTV's The Real World to internet porn. He also offers a series of ridiculous scenarios to ponder. Here's one to think about:

Someone invents "the dream VCR." The machine allows you to tape an evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch. However, the inventor will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR. Would you still do this?

Stack of Snobby CDs
The collection would consist of old soul greats like Sam Cooke and Jackie Wilson, original punk rockers like The Clash and Stiff Little Fingers, moody post-punk artists like David Bowie and Echo & The Bunnymen, some recent indie pop and electronic music like CSS and Tough Alliance, and of course in order to counter balance all of that snootiness I would have to include a guilty pleasure like MC Hammer's Too Legit To Quit.

Nooka Watch
I know this is a really lame choice. But sadly people seem to notice it more than my wit and charm. Although it seems intuitive to me, it apparently is difficult to read. I've had several people ask me if it's a phone/watch which I guess isn't the dumbest thing you could think, because one conspiracy theorist thought it was a detonating device.

Hair Gel
Have you noticed how many people like to compare others' appearance to a celebrity that they resemble? Yeah...I get compared to Nickelodeon's Jimmy Neutron (pictured left). Apparently I have a problem with using too much hair gel. That kid's hair is out of control.

On a side note: I was relaying my disappointment with this comparison to a co-worker in college, and she told me I shouldn't be embarrassed at all. "Jimmy Neutron is cute." I couldn't tell if she was hitting on me, or if she just had a thing for little boys...creepy!

Final Verdict: Hair Gel

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Dimwitted Detectives

In the eyes of detectives, crime scenes are like puzzles, and all the pieces necessary to catch the criminal are there. Great gumshoes like Columbo, Hercule Poirot, Veronica Mars, Monk and Sherlock Holmes made the process of gathering and deciphering clues seem elementary. But just like every profession, there are those that excel and those that flounder.

Which of the following investigators is the biggest imbecile?

Inspector Gadget
Inspector Gadget is perhaps the greatest underachiever of all time. A man blessed with go-go gadget arms and legs, springs in his shoes, an inflatable coat, and a helicopter hat should not have trouble fighting crime.

Disappointingly, without his daughter Penny and dog Brain making sure he did not screw up, Dr. Claw would surely have taken over the world by now...shameful!

Inspector Clouseau
Often confused for the Pink Panther, which is actually the stolen diamond in the movie, Clouseau is an often times oblivious and awkward detective.

He not only embarrassingly botches the investigation looking for "The Phantom," but gets himself convicted of the very crime he is trying to solve...truly pitiful.

Mark Fuhrman
The one time LAPD detective became infamous in 1995 as a result of his role in the O.J. Simpson trial. He is responsible for finding the ill-fitting bloody gloves of O.J...errrr...I mean...the yet undetermined killer. Remember..."if the glove don't fit you must acquit."

And due to possible tampering of evidence and his racist ideals, he was largely responsible for casting a reasonable doubt that O.J. was a killer. In the process, he was convicted of perjury. To this day, Mark Fuhrman is the only person involved in the O.J. case to garner a conviction. What a d-bag!

Maxwell Smart
Actually more of a secret agent than a detective if you want to split hairs, but he himself wouldn't know the difference so I think it's fair to include him here.

Immensely awkward, clumsy, and unintelligent, Maxwell Smart does, however, display considerable prowess when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. Without his highly gifted and astute female side-kick Agent 99, Smart would never thwart any sort of crime.

Will Steve Carrell due him justice in the upcoming movie?

Final Verdict: Inspector Clouseau (3, Gadget 2, Fuhrman 2, Smart 0)

Friday, May 23, 2008

Rat Pack vs. Brat Pack vs. Frat Pack

Anyone that's ever attended high school knows there is a social hierarchy. You've got the sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads and...of course...the "cool kids."

I forfeited any chance I might of had of being a part of the cool group when I decided to skip school for a day because I knew there was going to be a Knight Rider marathon on TV. Oh you don't think David Hasselhoff is the shit! I have to admit, however, Ferris Bueller might have used his off-day a bit more efficiently.

The three posses listed below are the keepers of cool for their respective generations.

The original kings of cool. These multi-talented superstars were the bees knees in the '50s and '60s. The group consisted of Sammy Davis Jr., Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Joey Bishop, and Peter Lawford. They were the original stars of Ocean's Eleven.

The Brat Pack consisted of a group of young budding actors and actresses, more specifically, Anthony Michael Hall, Andrew McCarthy, Demi Moore, Emilio Estevez, Molly Ringwald, Rob Lowe, Ally Sheedy, and Judd Nelson. They were like totally awesome, radical and tubular during the '80s. Although probably the least well known of the group...Andrew McCarthy has starred in some gems. If you haven't seen Mannequin, starring a young Kim Cattrall, treat yourself sometime soon. And who can forget his performance in Weekend at Bernie's?

They are the new kids on the those new kids...stop dating yourself! In the '90s these guys became the phatest guys diggity. The main members include: Steve Carell, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Jack Black, Luke Wilson, Ben Stiller, and Owen Wilson. Interesting fact...Owen Wilson has given himself the nickname...The Butter-Scotch Stallion. Is that not the lamest thing you've ever heard?

Final Verdict: Brat Pack

Inspector Gadget

Inspector Clouseau

Mark Fuhrman

Maxwell Smart

Total votes: 9