Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Dimwitted Detectives

In the eyes of detectives, crime scenes are like puzzles, and all the pieces necessary to catch the criminal are there. Great gumshoes like Columbo, Hercule Poirot, Veronica Mars, Monk and Sherlock Holmes made the process of gathering and deciphering clues seem elementary. But just like every profession, there are those that excel and those that flounder.

Which of the following investigators is the biggest imbecile?

Inspector Gadget
Inspector Gadget is perhaps the greatest underachiever of all time. A man blessed with go-go gadget arms and legs, springs in his shoes, an inflatable coat, and a helicopter hat should not have trouble fighting crime.

Disappointingly, without his daughter Penny and dog Brain making sure he did not screw up, Dr. Claw would surely have taken over the world by now...shameful!

Inspector Clouseau
Often confused for the Pink Panther, which is actually the stolen diamond in the movie, Clouseau is an often times oblivious and awkward detective.

He not only embarrassingly botches the investigation looking for "The Phantom," but gets himself convicted of the very crime he is trying to solve...truly pitiful.

Mark Fuhrman
The one time LAPD detective became infamous in 1995 as a result of his role in the O.J. Simpson trial. He is responsible for finding the ill-fitting bloody gloves of O.J...errrr...I mean...the yet undetermined killer. Remember..."if the glove don't fit you must acquit."

And due to possible tampering of evidence and his racist ideals, he was largely responsible for casting a reasonable doubt that O.J. was a killer. In the process, he was convicted of perjury. To this day, Mark Fuhrman is the only person involved in the O.J. case to garner a conviction. What a d-bag!

Maxwell Smart
Actually more of a secret agent than a detective if you want to split hairs, but he himself wouldn't know the difference so I think it's fair to include him here.

Immensely awkward, clumsy, and unintelligent, Maxwell Smart does, however, display considerable prowess when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. Without his highly gifted and astute female side-kick Agent 99, Smart would never thwart any sort of crime.

Will Steve Carrell due him justice in the upcoming movie?

Final Verdict: Inspector Clouseau (3, Gadget 2, Fuhrman 2, Smart 0)

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