Thursday, June 12, 2008

Accessorize Me

While the rest of you were busy maturing and becoming adults, I managed to stay true to my roots. I haven't progressed even a little bit in the last 15 years. I will unabashedly admit that I still think it's hysterical when someone publicly flatulates, takes one in the shorts, or eats it while roller blading. Therefore, if I'm having trouble recalling why I put so much value and emotion into action figures as a kid, I can't imagine the mental anguish you're going to put yourself through to try and figure it out!

My primary toy obsessions growing up revolved around He-Man, (which is by far-and-away the best name ever in the history of names, because the symbolism makes, if I can use his own terminology, Arnold Schwarzenegger look like a "girly man") and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. By the way, if you liked Michelangelo the and I can not be friends. Everyone who's everyone knows that Raphael was the most tubular turtle.

All this got me thinking...I deserve my own action figure. Undoubtedly, you could just use the same body mold used with He-Man (pictured above). The similarities are unnerving. Of course, we'd have to put my dashing mug on top. And since I'm a little more modest...some clothes. This is where I need your help. Every action figure has an accessory...what should mine be?

PBR Tall Boys
PBR me ASAP. Just writing that phrase makes my mouth water. You say they haven't won a brewing medal since 1893? First of all, it's only been 105 years since then. Secondly, that's only because some people like their beer to have flavor! For the rest of us...this is the beer to drink.

A Chuck Klosterman Book
If you haven't already read Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, drop everything right now and go to the nearest library. Chuck expounds upon everything from MTV's The Real World to internet porn. He also offers a series of ridiculous scenarios to ponder. Here's one to think about:

Someone invents "the dream VCR." The machine allows you to tape an evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch. However, the inventor will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR. Would you still do this?

Stack of Snobby CDs
The collection would consist of old soul greats like Sam Cooke and Jackie Wilson, original punk rockers like The Clash and Stiff Little Fingers, moody post-punk artists like David Bowie and Echo & The Bunnymen, some recent indie pop and electronic music like CSS and Tough Alliance, and of course in order to counter balance all of that snootiness I would have to include a guilty pleasure like MC Hammer's Too Legit To Quit.

Nooka Watch
I know this is a really lame choice. But sadly people seem to notice it more than my wit and charm. Although it seems intuitive to me, it apparently is difficult to read. I've had several people ask me if it's a phone/watch which I guess isn't the dumbest thing you could think, because one conspiracy theorist thought it was a detonating device.

Hair Gel
Have you noticed how many people like to compare others' appearance to a celebrity that they resemble? Yeah...I get compared to Nickelodeon's Jimmy Neutron (pictured left). Apparently I have a problem with using too much hair gel. That kid's hair is out of control.

On a side note: I was relaying my disappointment with this comparison to a co-worker in college, and she told me I shouldn't be embarrassed at all. "Jimmy Neutron is cute." I couldn't tell if she was hitting on me, or if she just had a thing for little boys...creepy!

Final Verdict: Hair Gel

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Dimwitted Detectives

In the eyes of detectives, crime scenes are like puzzles, and all the pieces necessary to catch the criminal are there. Great gumshoes like Columbo, Hercule Poirot, Veronica Mars, Monk and Sherlock Holmes made the process of gathering and deciphering clues seem elementary. But just like every profession, there are those that excel and those that flounder.

Which of the following investigators is the biggest imbecile?

Inspector Gadget
Inspector Gadget is perhaps the greatest underachiever of all time. A man blessed with go-go gadget arms and legs, springs in his shoes, an inflatable coat, and a helicopter hat should not have trouble fighting crime.

Disappointingly, without his daughter Penny and dog Brain making sure he did not screw up, Dr. Claw would surely have taken over the world by now...shameful!

Inspector Clouseau
Often confused for the Pink Panther, which is actually the stolen diamond in the movie, Clouseau is an often times oblivious and awkward detective.

He not only embarrassingly botches the investigation looking for "The Phantom," but gets himself convicted of the very crime he is trying to solve...truly pitiful.

Mark Fuhrman
The one time LAPD detective became infamous in 1995 as a result of his role in the O.J. Simpson trial. He is responsible for finding the ill-fitting bloody gloves of O.J...errrr...I mean...the yet undetermined killer. Remember..."if the glove don't fit you must acquit."

And due to possible tampering of evidence and his racist ideals, he was largely responsible for casting a reasonable doubt that O.J. was a killer. In the process, he was convicted of perjury. To this day, Mark Fuhrman is the only person involved in the O.J. case to garner a conviction. What a d-bag!

Maxwell Smart
Actually more of a secret agent than a detective if you want to split hairs, but he himself wouldn't know the difference so I think it's fair to include him here.

Immensely awkward, clumsy, and unintelligent, Maxwell Smart does, however, display considerable prowess when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. Without his highly gifted and astute female side-kick Agent 99, Smart would never thwart any sort of crime.

Will Steve Carrell due him justice in the upcoming movie?

Final Verdict: Inspector Clouseau (3, Gadget 2, Fuhrman 2, Smart 0)