Monday, March 10, 2008

Man's Worst Friend

Last Friday I attended the rehearsal show for A Prairie Home Companion at the lovely Fitzgerald theater. That brings my attendance of live-recordings for the show to two, which subsequently means I have listened to the show in its entirety twice now. I know some would label a native Minnesotan that does not like Garrison Keillor's APHC a retard; but as The Office's Michael Scott points out, "You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they are acting retarded." So back off people...I'm the real deal!

This most recent show was the annual "Joke Show." I'm pretty sure I heard every pun under the sun (damn...I have a way with words, huh?). One joke shared that night went as such:

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour and drive around.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Well that might work with most dogs, but the dogs listed below are not "man's best friend." In fact, they are quite the opposite! It's time to decide which dog is "man's worst friend."

Unknown Dog from Duck Hunt
Unless you were the loser kid that sat three inches away from the TV and actually touched the barrel of the gun to the screen, you are undoubtedly familiar with the nameless mutt that laughs at you when you fail in Nintendo's Duck Hunt. Initially, we all laughed with him. Afterall, it is only a game. However, after having several laughs at our expense, our attitudes towards this dog changed dramatically, didn't they? When it became obvious we were going to fail, who else here started saving bullets just in the off-chance they could tag him mid-giggle!?

Spuds McKenzie
Made famous in the '80s by Bud Light, Spuds McKenzie is a bull terrier. Spuds makes this list because I'm pretty sure lessening a man's chances of dating a woman is NOT friendly behavior. And "the guru of good times" always got the ladies he wanted. Check out this ad for proof.

This dog certainly had its day, but men need not fear losing their girls any longer, for Spuds passed away at the tender age of 10 from kidney failure. And as it turns out, "he" was a "she" all along. Before it became known, Budweiser employees privy to this sensitive information did their best to conceal Spuds from cameras, so as to hide her female "parts" while she urinated. You can't make this shit up!

Red Dog

If you are having a tough time powering through a hang-over people like to say, "you just need a bit of hair from the dog that bit you." However, if that dog is Red me...don't heed this advice! Brewed by Miller Brewing Company, Red Dog beer is widely considered one of the worst tasting beers. Need more proof...I once attended a heaven and hell party where heaven had a full bar with mixing ingredients, and us hellians, were stuck with Red room temperature.


We all look for different qualities in our friends. Some of us want funny friends, nice friends, cool friends, or if you're looking for the whole package...ME! But unless you're Tony Soprano, you definitely don't look for best friends that are killers. From the insane mind of Stephen King, Cujo first terrorized movie-goers in 1983.

Final Verdict: Duck Hunt Dog (4 vs. 0 vs. 3 vs. 1)


lil nill said...

Wow, how you got from praire home companion to cujo... impressive. Can I just say that there were some of us "loser kids" who did experience the Duck Hunt dog's mocking? Yup. I'm that good of a shot.

Anonymous said...

I stood solidly by your side as we winced down swallows of that atrociously warm Red Dog at that lame-ass heaven and hell party. It was so bad that I purged those memories from my brain. Thanks for reminding me... grrrrr!