Thursday, February 21, 2008

Franzia vs. Carlo Rossi vs. Boone's Farm

There are really only two kinds of wine drinkers. There are those that simply drink wine and then those that obnoxiously smell, swirl, sip, and pontificate about wine. The video embedded below, a scene from Sideways, an often-times funny movie about two men's journey to wine country in Napa Valley, provides an amazingly accurate example of what I'm talking about, and should help you figure out which kind of wine drinker you are.



If you aligned more with the dude on the left (Thomas Hayden Church), you probably already know and love Franzia, Carlo Rossi, and Boone's Farm wine and this discussion will probably take you back to the days when "blue tooth" was what you got the morning after a bout with the vino. If you saw yourself in the dude on the right (Paul Giamatti), you most assuredly never allowed yourself to drink such "classless" wine, or at the very least, would never admit it in public. For those that have already had the pleasure of getting to know these fine spirits, I apologize, for I will be highlighting facts you are already aware of. But for those snobs out there, read and learn about what makes each of these fine wines so great.

Franzia: IT COMES IN A BOX! Which as far as I know, doesn't give it any other legitimate advantage other than...IT COMES IN A BOX! According to their website, "Water flows over the American Falls at Niagara Falls at a rate of 75,000 gallons per second. At that rate, it would take over 13 minutes for all the Franzia wine sold in one year to flow into the Niagara River!" I know...amazing, right? The flow-rate of the Franzia box is also quite impressive thanks to its built-in spigot...which someone smarter than me has already proven has its uses.


Carlo Rossi: There are 13 types of wine that Carlo puts into jugs for our enjoyment, which makes it easy to find one with flavors to complement whatever it is you might be eating...here's an example. And after you savor the last drop of your jug-wine, you can still put it to good use...by making something out of it. Check out these hot designs: Chardonnay Chandelier, Cabernet Couch, Sangria Sound System, and the Paisano Plasma TV Stand. See snobs...Carlo is all class!


Boone's Farm: Unlike most wine-makers, Boone's Farm doesn't have your standard flavors (i.e. Chardonnay, Cabernet, Merlot, etc.). It has better ones, like: Apple Blossom, Mountain Berry, Orange Hurricane and of course Strawberry Hill. But the best part about Boone's Farm wine is that you will never dirty a wine glass because it is meant to be enjoyed directly from the bottle.


Final Verdict: Franzia (6-Franzia vs. 5-Carlo Rossi vs. 0-Boone's Farm)

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I vote Franzia because of the joys it has brought me while camping. Easy to pack, no risk of breaking, and when you are done drinking it it can be used to start a campfire.

That's not to say the other two don't have merit. Carlo makes an excellent sangria (if you are adding sugar and fruit to wine, you want the price to volume ratio Carlo gives you), and Boone's is often the first alcohol girls like and therefore drink in excess (I am pretty sure I owe Boones for at least two college make-out sessions).

Lil Nill said...

This is the toughest gavel judging yet! Boones Farm brings pleasant (?) memories of classy high school drinking in Missourah. When else can a 16 y.o. finish off a bottle of wine without getting sick? But Franzia... there is a spout, for god's sake, AND they make a sangria flavor. In the spirit of classy college parties, I'll give Franzia my endorsement.

Alice said...

I would like to share a story that really truly happened to me in college. My friend's mom came to visit us. She is very Italian and her specialty is making tomato sauce with a secret ingredient (sssh: butter). I is delicious. She decided to make make this for dinner one night for the five of us. We all sit down to dinner and she comes out with "the wine." Which is Carlo Rossi. The 5 of us look at each other thinking, "is she serious? did she find that somewhere in the kitchen? oh god!" So my friend says very slowly, "Mom... um, why did you buy Carlo Rossi?" "Oh no, do you girls not like this kind of wine? I thought it looked very Italian!" Clearly she had no idea about what it tasted like...

Anonymous said...

lmao. i randomly found this blog and it is very funny.

MJ said...

Erik! Too much fun! I have to say I'm a bit more of a wine snob, so I haven't had the pleasure of tasting all of these - but I know my grandparents' vote would be for Franzia - they always have a box in their fridge. But...I seem to remember more than one bottle of Carlo laying around your apartment by the U with Eddie and Dave...

Erik said...

Mandy...it's been far too long! And yes...your memory serves you right. There were countless times I swore I would start a jug band soon after finishing off a Carlo Rossi wine.

k said...

I'm going to have to vote Carlo Rossi, only because I cannot vote for Boone's Farm (it doesn't even approximate wine) or Franzia (not at all good). I don't believe I've ever experienced the Carlo Rossi...13 varieties you say...

Anonymous said...

Robert Parker, the famous wine writer, gave the Carlo Rossi Piasano a score of 84 points, deeming it higher in quality than some $100+ wines. Franzia will often cut thier products with apple, pear and peach wine/juice (natural flavors). The Boone's farm you get in grocery stores is really flavored malt beverage (aka beer). Enjoy!

Anonymous said...

Did you guys know that Carlo Rossi now comes in a BOX ! So exciting. Also, if you like the Franzia, try Peter Vella boxed wine - it's pretty awesome and usually a little cheaper. And the spigot is a little different than Franzie.. For fun, take the actual bag OUT of the box and throw it around =) Hours of fun and entertainment.

Anonymous said...

I VOTE FRANZIA! It is great for getting drunk at parties, we just take the bag out of the box and chug it. The spout makes it so much easier!

Anonymous said...

As far as Merlot goes, my vote goes to Franzia. The Carlo Rossi version was waaaay too fruity for for my taste.